Justify

Nothing that I can justify to myself - at least not love!
When I try to wash my hands off, to throw my dirt to the sky...
It looks back; laughs at me! Am I fake, am I a selfish?
Who could lie to the sky? I guess, I am fake, I am selfish

The mirror screams at me... yeah that's the ugly me
Ugly, for it being controlled by the time
for its wish to hold back the time and sometimes bring back the time
That's the mindless me? Could anyone play with time?


There's a restlessness - to revert the past, to rush to the future
They mock, the angels... it seems no mercy for me. No reason to smile
The past is to remorse and the future is to end soon
Alas! I still can't justify...theirs' and mine; acts and destinies
For, that's been a selfish me, that's been a ugly me

Am I a classic…?

To be asked to live only by the history and not happiness? Or a classic case to be ignorant about history? Do I only feel that the entire world is my enemy, or I choose to ignore those who tell me, “don’t meet people who always have taunted you; in public or in person, they can’t ever match upto you.” Yet, I make an effort to drop by on a lovely Sunday evening – for the sake of old friendships!

Am I a classic...?

Who lived by an assumption that I have a-friends-only-world to fall back on, so much so that my folks often complaints…. Like early this year my sister cried over the phone, “why don’t we get to know anything, why don’t you find comfort in us, how long do you want to live by friends ONLY and etc?”

Am I a classic…?

Who gets insulted by people I have met rarely a couple of times, only to say ‘hi&bye’, don’t even feel they are worth being acquaintances. Is it only I who feel the dearth of words like decency, etiquettes, manners, humanity etc?

They are a bunch of people with foul mouths, shallow success and fake personalities with a few international trips have done them bad to worse. Being nasty is not their only forte; they can hopelessly malign anyone… A compilation of various opinions on those who sometimes make me feel how dirty is the world.

But then, am I a classic case…
To make attempts to maintain my friendships with those whom I have known for years?

To be hopelessly optimistic with people who are certified as ‘filths’.

To be quiet when they made a mockery of my heart and soul, of my work, of my madness, my attitude, my opinion, my political stands and nothing as painful as LIFE.

Am I the unluckiest one to be begging here: “Haven’t we all made mistakes? Then why only I get to hear it – day and day out, and more?”

The graceful me?

No thanks! I would remain disgraceful if it requires me ‘do’ a Rekha, Hema Malini, Aishwarya Rai or Shilpa Shetty etc. Rekha for her bewitching beauty, Hema and Shilpa for breaking their beaus’ previous marriages. In general, it’s like a dwarf trying to touch the moon or me trying to ‘do’ a celeb - same thing!

I would rather ‘do’ a Sushmita, Bipasha or Nandita – again, not their beauties. May be a bit of Sushmita’s class, Bipasha’s confidence and Nandita’s intelligence.

There must be a politics behind one’s ‘grace’… a politics of cynicism? I keep referring to my J-school in almost all my postings, because that was also a place where I lived life to a fullest… for; its royale treatment once you stepped out of the class, not having to see any relative, meeting sweetest friends (and bitter ones who taught lesson for a life-time) and of course for ‘missing-and-catching-that-call’. But that was also a place where I had experienced the cynicism of those believed in an ‘uneven society’ – a strange unevenness that only acknowledged either fair skin or those with a defence background. (It’s a strong statement and I don’t want to lose my dearest friend, you know what I mean.). The cynicism grew, to a level that I had lost my interest in journalism… I had almost packed my bags. Later, the passion withstood cynicism.

I’d spent my early Delhi days as a compulsive-repulsive and last few days in Bangalore as a racist. In my 2nd innings in Delhi, I am also accused of practising communalism under the façade of rational secularism. But I have substantiated all my avatars with facts, reality and my own experiences. On the Dashera Day, I requested my colleagues to maintain Ravana as Ravana and not as Ravan… like Ram Setu gets an ‘H’ added on when I am on shift, to maintain the dignity of their places of origin.

Genealogy makes a difference? I can’t examine, I am no expert… But I strongly maintain my view on caste defining one's characteristics. I wonder why Sarah Palin’s case is different - a woman who could advocate to bear rapists’ child and yet being Princess Diana’s distant cousin. Beauty certainly, brains? Perhaps too much of hockey makes blueblood turn into black!

There are other differences. I have known people who turned down even a god for its North Indian looks. I have known people who defined ‘grace of a woman from her place of birth’. I have known people who restricted ‘ayurveda’ to a specific region.

I have not known anyone who didn't celebrate Booker winning Chennai born writer's ‘The White Tiger’ – the book that portrayed a dark side of North India; does corruption exist only in North India? As much as we celebrated the beauty of a down south Indian state, Kerala in "God of the small thing".

Personalise profit, socialise loss!

‘USSR is a place where no one had money’ is how I concluded communist economy as a kid, though the concept of kids have been changing world wide;-) I was as young as 8 then. It was also one of those years when India only dreamt of becoming a world power soon – post ’91, after a few economists held up the magic wands – in this context, magic words, such as globalisation, liberalisation and free trade etc.

Ours is even stranger, communist govt gets Tatas to set its people’s car plant in West Bengal, old Congress (Capitalist) loyalist drives Tatas back – the yet-to-born car got its home in Gujarat. They say, it’s way she’s making communist rulers taste the bitterness of their own medicine – once patented, now popular!

Yesterday, after the market bloodbath where the BSE Sensex crashed below 9K level, I headed straight to a panel discussion – to hear what they have to say. One of the panelists was the advisor to the finance minister.

I don’t understand much about market, my understandings of business journalism remained poor, despite my current craze for it. I find it easier to deal with spicy stories related Sensex than the facts & figures of Dalal St. Stories like hubby seeking divorce as wife loses 30L in market downturn excite me more.

Getting back to last evening’s panel discussion, where all the panelists echoed each other on Indian mass media being “clueless” about everything and follows each others’ competitors. It sounded as if Indian media created the havoc or could have stopped it. We don’t think so.

To go a li’l off-track and why Indian mass media still a world class, I must add an example. We have a few interns joined us a few days back from the Columbia School of Journalism and assigned to cover the Lakme Fashion Week. My collogue who supervises them had commented ‘assholes’, ‘they don’t know who Tarun Tahliani is, and here to cover fashion!’

In India, we know who Paul Krugman is. I’m not trying to compare the two, and even if I did… what’s wrong? At my tiny J-school, ‘Watergate scandal’ was taught as the first lesson. Is the media wrong in carrying Finance Minister's statement saying: ‘RBI will act swiftly when needed’. Or my naïve understanding says… RBI might be following the crowd – what China or Korea is doing with their real rates. Even as famous economist argues, “we are a strange economy; we follow the success tactics of all the countries and land no-where”

India booming stories are still doing the rounds… But the mighty DLF residents get to see a large slum across the road in Gurgaon, as one of examples of booming-dooming ratio. Amidst the global crisis, banks refuse to give home-loans to the commoners but the other day a paan masala king bought a car for Rs 2 cr to gift his daughter on her B’day. Did I hear someone saying, a perfect example of “personalise profit and socialise loss”?

While the RBI and the govt is going ga ga over its latest move on rate cut, surely the giant companies would incur huge credits from the international markets. At the bottom husbands will continue seeking divorce, or the wives – as and when they suffer from the high real cost of credits. So when FM's financial advisor suggests us to be less scholars and more humans... we know why economists should start speaking 'our' language!

Part 2: When life hurts, share a laugh!

It might look like one of those TV serials with reincarnation of a painful soul… as if life is still hurting and she's trying to share – a laugh, at least! It doesn’t hurt; I kept it for those whose lips itches to spread rumours like… “Poor X,Y,Zs cook her meal, carry her bag, take her to her grocery shop… what else? I feel like a Crownless Queen who has always enjoyed this world’s ‘unconditional love’ – for being “you know she has always been a shrewd girl”

Grrrrrrrrr, when do I get the status of a cunning woman? Haven't I already conned half the world by being shrewd, now that I can afford a cook, a servant and get my grocery home-delivered, what’s next? A Chauffeured-driven car? No, last year’s experiences have been bitter enough to not get into such adventures! Strictly.

A class of people never fell short on their motherhood statements, for the ‘common good of the society’, of course. I overhear them, not only because ignorance is bliss, but also because I understand their state of joblessness.

My ‘considerate-nature’ has always been mistaken as a weakness – let it sound like Buddha’s lady avatar speaking! Everyone with a motherhood statement, look back into old times… please prove me wrong, for once. Or, a few can consider clearing their debts, sans the interest?

The last compliment I got for my looks was this morning, before that, it was yesterday! Sorry for being flamboyant, but those who hate my FACE, and can't stop insulting me in public... please ignore me, because your obesity needs medical attention. More than I need your attention!

When life hurts, share a laugh!

The morning newspaper suggested so; I would share a blog instead, for four categories of people.

A, Those who lost touch with me years ago yet are bothered about me.

B, Those whom I am dying to say, “Please don’t call/ping me as I hate to bar/block anyone.”

C, Those who take the credits in “My Making”, and I never understood WHY?

D, Those who remained there and loved me for who I am – so when I started blocking my Gtalk contacts, only a handful remained. My friend from Hyderabad has already championed the art of Blocking-and-Unblocking:)

Dear all,

I can’t explain how beautiful my last evening was – the great food and drink added more to it but the retro journey was fabulous, to know if we did “the right things at the right time or not”.

For me, for the self-certified fool, “it has always been doing the wrong things.” My only breather was when one among the handful said “But you chose the right Prof to write your recommendation during your J-school admission.”

This time, it may not be the wrong time to ask a few people for a favour – those who didn’t need to talk against me as they don’t exist for me. Not because they have proved themselves to be pretentious human beings, who once claimed to change the world and now caught in their own little worlds. But because housewives (I don’t mind being politically incorrect in calling them housewives and not homemakers) can’t advice a journalist; it can’t get simpler.

A favour from those who thought to have spoon-fed and crawled along till I could walk – Well, it’s a popular myth, and I am running now. If they still suffer from such misconceptions then they should also be blamed for locking my mind – the mind that wouldn’t be a part of any fake intelligentsia, fake feminism, and fake secularism. For that matter, anything that was fake.

A favour from those whom I have forgiven for everything yet would hate to receive their calls or messages. I still don’t know whose virtue it was, and whose weakness.

That’s why when life hurts, unlike others I share a blog with those who simply hated my face, or with those whom it felt like the story of the Fox and the Grapes - It is easy to despise what you cannot get. Others would remain my Friends! Ah, the favour is the Foes and Foxes, please get the 'F' outta my life.

Cheers,
Me.